Thursday, July 16, 2009

the untitled post ...

So i just finished reading the last two books of Harry Potter this week, and somehow that thought of our existential angst came back to me again. I know, you're properly thinking 'what the hell? from harry potter, really?!' but it's true, and I really don't know how it came around.

Have you ever wondered what your life's meaning is? ever wondered why you were born into this world, why you had a chance to experience it and why you'd eventually have to die? Almost a year has passed since I broke down and cried, for I was lost, confounded at the fact that I, after almost 21 years of existence, still didn't know what, or who I was living for. I still don't, and while I try not to hide it, that fear's still in me, as strong as ever. The past year have found me getting extremely frustrated at myself, for I spent more time thinking more about the future, about the end of me, then actually concentrated on the 'being', the now, the present.

Call it early midlife crisis if you like, but sometime I wonder, how, and when, will I be able to not fear death, to not fear my existence, or non existence, and just enjoy as it is. Diving myself into the thought of money, of status, of all the trivial things I could think of to cheer my mood up, I somehow knew deep inside it was still there, the fear, the frustration of knowing it and i'm still searching, almost sure I will never know it, the meaning of my life, or of life in general.

just a few random thoughts ...

~the confused boy~

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